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Welcome to Casual Sex Rules For Women

Well, first off, we’re not experts by any means. This is more of an experiment. A sex experiment. A SEXPERIMENT. We’re just two women, trying to have casual sex, and not get too screwed over/screwed in the right way in the process. We’ve got some… experience though. So taking what we’ve already learned along the way, we’ve come up with a set of rules that should help guide us in successfully achieving the goal of having lots of fun, casual sex.

There are a lot of other guides and strategies out there for women, but they seem to all focus on GETTING A HUSBAND. But what if you don’t WANT a husband? What if you just want to have fun and have sex and yet still somehow manage to avoid the bullshit that inevitably comes along with trying to have no-strings attached sex? 

We’re trying to find a way to break the routines have been ingrained in us since we started dating. And we think that a good place to start is by giving yourself control over the situation. And, like any new habit, it’s going to take some effort, some practice, and some time to perfect.

We’ll be blogging about our experiences using these rules, refining them as we go, and adding any new rules that we think are important should the situation arise. We’ll document what went right, what went wrong, and offer feedback on each other’s experiences. It’s going to be NSFW, so prepare yourselves. But hopefully in being totally open and honest with you, we can all learn how to do this a bit better. We’ll be the first to admit that what we’ve been doing so far hasn’t always worked out for the best.

It can’t be worse, right?

Rule 5: an examination

So I haven’t been applying the rules for very long (or very well, I’m gonna be upfront about that), but I HAVE been trying apply them… and in the last two weeks or so, I have been having a fair amount of trouble with Rule 5 which states:

No chatting/texting all day

  1. Time gate – wait 2-4 hours before responding, and do this from day one
  2. No texting during business hours
  3. No good morning, good night texts 
  4. Do not make yourself available to them whenever they want

Point 1 – timegating: I have personally been having a terrible time with time gating. Here’s what has been happening for me: I connect with someone, I do a bit of an intro chat, and then I time gate. And what I am finding is that either they or I get bored with the lack of interaction and just lose interest. I just don’t think it’s really possible in the first stages of deciding whether you are going to bang this person or not. And maybe not even wise. A lot of insanity can come out in those chats. A casual bit of racism, maybe they don’t believe in gravity… or maybe they let slip that they have a fancy porcelain leg, who knows.

Where I think timegating could or should be applied is if/when you start getting all fucking melty about some dude. It’s meant to be a strategy to help you cool off. If you’re already cool, I think you’re fine. Time gate if your brain/heart is being an idiot and if you’re TOO into someone. And you’ll know you are because you WON’T WANT TO DO IT.

Point 2 – no texting during business hours: Focus on your job first, get your shit done, don’t constantly have your phone in front of your face cause that’s probably a bad look, though I don’t think we need a separate point for this. Just don’t text men all the time, okay?

Point 3 – no good morning or good night texts: I STAND BY THIS ONE. Nothing comes from this other than mushy melty ovaries. No. Fuck off. It’s a cheap, low-effort move for fools.

Point 4 – do not make yourself available to them whenever they want: I think that this is the KEY point here of all of them. This is the summation and the crux of the entirety of rule 5.

Listen. It’s fun and gratifying to chat with guys and be flirty. It’s easy and you can do it in your pyjamas with half a roll of unbaked cookie dough log hanging out of your mouth. I get it.

But it’s also a bad habit to get into. Have your own life, do your thing, and then every now and then text with someone. Don’t make it the thing you do ALL the time. You’ll exhaust yourself before to know it, and get weird and bitter.

Suggested rule 5 rewrite:

Do not make yourself available to them whenever they want.

  1. No chatting or texting all day and all night
  2. No good morning/good night texts
  3. Time gate your replies if you start getting TOO into someone

-C

Alright, I’m here to weigh in! I’ve also had some issues with this rule, so I think we need some modifications.

Point 1 – Timegating

I’ll agree, it’s super difficult to get to know someone well enough in the beginning if you’re forcing all these hours in between responses. You can’t just… have a conversation. And definitely, there are things I need to know about this person. I know it’s all just casual sex, but I don’t want to fuck a sociopath. Also, definitely not into banging someone who believes there are lizard people in the middle of the earth, or what have you.

What I’ve already been doing is this: I’ll have mini-conversations. We chat for a bit, maybe half an hour to an hour, get some back and forth going, and then I just stop. I usually don’t give an explanation or justification, I’ll just not respond for awhile. This is partly because I’m actually busy and have a life. But sometimes when I feel like we’ve been chatting for a long enough time, it’s just time to cut it off, so I just decide that’s enough for now. They can wait until I’m available again.

The key here is, end the conversation first. Leave them wanting more.

I’m on the fence about the timegating if you’re getting too attached – my opinion is, if you’re feeling the feels, it’s already too late and you may need another strategy? But I do think this timegating should at least help PREVENT the feels from even happening in the first place.

Point 2 – No texting during business hours

I tried this but it just didn’t work for my situation. Since I’m in a relationship, the only time we do get to spend together is not during business hours. So I didn’t want to be on the phone talking to guys the whole time. I do agree that focusing on your work is wise, but also, I do have downtime during the work day when texting makes sense. I think maybe this can be modified to be more general like, no texting when you really should be doing something more important?

Point 3 – No good morning or good night texts

100% this still stands. No good can come of it, it ventures into relationship territory, and also, they don’t need to know when I’m awake or going to bed or any of it. My personal life and schedule is none of their business, and I don’t want to give the impression that it even remotely is.

Point 4 – Do not make yourself available to them whenever they want

Agreed, this is the actual rule here. Don’t ever let them think that you’re just available to them whenever they want you to be. Make them feel like they have to catch you at the right time, and they have to keep trying to do it. As soon as they think you’re too easy to get a hold of, whenever they like, they’ll take advantage/lose interest.

I’m on board with the rewrite, with the modification that I feel has been working for me:

Do not make yourself available to them whenever they want.

  1. No chatting or texting all day and all night
    1. Time gate your replies in between smaller conversations
  2. No good morning/good night texts
  3. Time gate your replies if you start getting TOO into someone

Thoughts?

-A

New Rule!

Full disclosure: I am in an open relationship. I’m very open and honest about this with anyone I meet, obviously, because that’s the whole point of an open relationship. An upside of disclosing this right upfront is that well, obviously honesty is good. Everyone understands the expectations, and nothing is hidden or secretive. A downside that I’ve discovered, however, is that for some reason, it tends to attract a certain type of man. And that type of man is the type that’s in a committed, monogamous relationship.

I honestly don’t know why. I can only theorize that because I have another relationship, they think I’m going to sympathetic to the fact that they do too.

THEY ARE WRONG.

There’s obviously a huuuuuge difference between my partner knowing what I’m doing and being totally cool with it, and cheating on your girlfriend or spouse. HUGE. I don’t think I need to spell that out for anyone, and it often irritates me that they want to conflate the two, as though they’re the same thing.

Anyway, so I tend to get a lot of guys who end up telling me they’re married or they have a girlfriend. And of course, they always have some sort of sob story about why they’re stepping out of their relationships, and it of course always involves the struggles and trials they’re going through, and why it’s justified that they’re garbage human beings, blah blah blah. I don’t even care to list out examples, but generally it revolves around them being too cowardly to end a relationship that isn’t working, and instead do something much worse- lie to their partners to get what they need.

So in light of that, I thought it would be important to add:

Never engage with anyone who is cheating.

My 3 main reasons for this:

  • If this is how they treat the person they apparently love, just imagine how they’ll treat you.
  • Don’t reward them (with sex) for treating other women like shit.
  • Avoid drama at all costs.

The rules have now been updated!

-A

Guys To Avoid – The Guy Who Forgets You Are An Actual Person

I had taken a little bit of a break from chatting with guys online. I needed to just take a moment to regroup, and get my strength back up to try this again. Also, we were working out the rules and I wanted to start fresh with those firmly in place.

Anyway, yesterday I started talking to a couple guys and immediately realized one of them was a hard no – which led to us discussing how there are some guys out there that throw up these not-so-subtle red flags right from the beginning of your interactions with them. Which then led us to decide that it might be handy to compile a list of these early warning signs.

So, first on our list, fresh from my experience yesterday, is The Guy Who Forgets You Are An Actual Person!

Initially, I thought of labeling this guy Instant Sexter, but then I realized, that’s just a symptom of a bigger problem. To explain, here’s the interaction I had yesterday:

We started chatting. All I knew about him initially was his age and where he worked. Immediately he launched right into asking me sexual questions about myself. Actually, I misinterpreted the first one, because he asked me ‘what I was into.’ I’d answered with a fairly tame answer, assuming he meant my hobbies/interests, but he just responded with ‘lol no I meant sexually’. Ahh but of course you did. OF COURSE YOU DID.

I knew at that point the conversation was going to take a downturn, but I decided to go on with it out of curiosity. He continued to list off all the things HE was into sexually, which of course was a long list of things that were beneficial to him, and of no real benefit to me.

For example, at one point he asked me if I liked ‘facials’ because, you guys are not gonna believe this, but he QUITE enjoyed them. Because yeah, what I really want is some strange man to jerk off onto my face. COOL SIGN ME RIGHT THE FUCK UP. Every single thing he mentioned was for his pleasure, not mine. He made literally zero mention of any sexual act that was not entirely selfish and focused around him.

Getting further into the conversation where he continued to talk about his sexual interests, I noticed that after his first question about what I was ‘into,’ which I never answered, by the way, he didn’t ask me a single question about myself. It’s one thing to get flirty and be sexy, but he wasn’t trying at any point to turn ME on, he was just trying to figure out if I could fulfill HIS needs.

At this point, he hadn’t even remotely approached speaking to me like I was an actual human being in any way, and was just treating me like a thing he could fuck. I was 100% certain that I’d never meet this person because it would be utterly pointless for me, and I’m gonna go out on a limb here, but I would assume the sex would be absolutely and utterly terrible.

So I wanted to experiment with him. I wanted to see if I could somehow get him to talk to me like I was a person, to recognize that this wasn’t the beginning of a porn, and if I could actually get him to acknowledge there was more to me than just some blow-up doll fantasy he was having over there all on his own.

So I asked him to tell me something about himself that wasn’t sexual. He responded with – again I reiterate, the only information I already knew about him – his age and job. I gently reminded him that I already knew that because he had told me when he initially met me, but what were his hobbies? What did he do for fun?

‘Hockey. Hang out.’

This is verbatim.

I wasn’t going to give up yet. I asked him more about his job because it was in an industry I didn’t know much about. He was only giving me one or two-word answers, I was carrying the conversation, and then he stopped responding altogether.

So then, finally I asked: ‘Have you ever met anyone you’ve chatted with online in person before?’

I didn’t expect a response, because of course he’d lost interest as we were talking about non-sexual things (and mind you, he never asked me a single question about myself during that brief part of the conversation either.) But I was so curious – does this work on ANYONE? Is there actually a woman out there who chatted with this guy and was like, yeah, you know what? I’m gonna meet this dude and just let him cum all over my face and then go home deeply unsatisfied. That’ll be a fun way to spend an evening.

But he responded!

His answer made me so proud of all the other women out there, the countless women who this guy has inevitably contacted and tried to bang:

‘Never.’

  • Shocker.
  • This was an opening message I got around the same time from another guy.

Good job, ladies. Good job.

Anyway, clearlyyyy this sort of guy is a never-meet. It’s so, so obvious that all he cares about is getting what he wants out of the situation, it could literally be with anyone, the specifics of you or I or anyone is completely irrelevant to this equation. He didn’t, at any point, indicate to me that he realized I was also, ya know, A HUMAN BEING, with my own wants and needs. He just assumed that he could list off what he was looking for and I would just be thrilled to jump right in there and give it all to him. I doubt this sort of guy even has the level of self-awareness required to understand WHY he’s never successfully managed to have a hookup with someone he’s chatted with online.

I’d love to say these guys are rare, but they’re sadly not. Maybe they’re not always as extreme as this case but they’re still pretty easy to recognize. Your instincts will tell you. You’ll feel it in your gut. The feeling of someone neglecting to treat you like a person who deserves respect, kindness, and decency are pretty damn easy to identify if you pay attention.

-A

Rule 8 – an update.

The post in which I am both right and horribly wrong.

So yay me, I tested the rules and found that you could “unring the bell”, right? And there was much rejoicing.

Wrong.

And yet right. Yes, I got an interaction with a man back on track and was both shocked and pleased at how easy it was. I was questioning it, obviously, because I couldn’t understand why it had seemed so easy. This was almost certainly a case of the piano problem:

This is me, an obvious fool, wondering how to fix the piano stool.

What I mean here is that I didn’t fully grasp the full meaning of rule 8. I thought my mistake was letting things get too sexual, but ACTUALLY my mistake was going in with the wrong expectations and letting myself get fooled.

How do I know this? Well, even though I was quite happy the day after meeting STV-002, I soon became a bit upset about him not continuing to text me the way he had prior to us hooking up. Which can only mean one thing: I had let myself think that this was going to be more than a one-and-done.

I fucked up.

THIS is the bell that can’t be unrung. My dumbass feelings, my expectations. Once YOU think it’s anything other than a one night thing, you have fucked up. And that is when you need to bail.

Rule 8 – tested properly, found to be working as expected.

-C

Rules Update!

After a night out with friends where there was drinking, I realized something that was missing from the rules, specifically regarding texting:

Absolutely no texting when you are drunk.

This probably should go without saying, but since the rules should cover all cases, it does need to be added. Obviously when you’ve had a few drinks, you’re not making the best decisions and your judgment is impaired. That’s going to make it difficult to make sure you’re following the rules, and doing the things you should be doing. No good can come of a late night, drunk text, as much as you really, really wanna do it. SO DON’T. EVER.

The rules (in the upper right corner) have now been updated!

-A

Fuck Yes or No

Okay, so first you need to take 9 minutes to read this famous article, Fuck Yes or No, written by Mark Manson.

The Grey Area

There’s a grey area in dating, where you’re just not sure what is going on. Does he like me? Should I do this, or that, to make him like me more? Should I put him to this test to prove that he’s really into me? And Mark’s theory is that we spend so much time playing these games and analyzing the results, that we’re missing the whole point:

If you’re in the grey area to begin with, you’ve already lost.

I think we’ve all been there. I know that I certainly have been stuck in this grey area. Hoo boy have I ever been stuck in the grey area. I’ve spent countless hours of my life that I’ll never get back, trying to figure out if a guy is really into me, how much he likes me, is he going to text me or ask me out, is he just leading me on, blah blah blah. I’ve wasted SO MUCH TIME trying to figure it all out.

Another Way Of Looking At It

There was also something I kept reading online on dating advice subreddits, that really stuck with me, and that aligns with the law of Fuck Yes or No:

If he likes you, you’ll know. If he doesn’t, you’ll be confused.

That can be a harsh pill to swallow, but that doesn’t make it any less true. And it’s something that is so, so easy to ignore, but never, ever ends well for you.

Casual Sex

A lot of people apply this advice to dating when it comes to looking for a serious relationship, but I think the same principles can apply when looking for casual sex too.

The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, they must inspire you to say “Fuck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them.

The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” also states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, THEY must respond with a “Fuck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them.

Mark’s article goes farther in depth into all the reasons WHY you should always apply this principle in all new relationships, be they casual or otherwise. But just to briefly summarize the main idea: why bother if it’s not a mutual fuck yes?

He Should Be A Fuck Yes For You

Why bother having a hookup with someone you’re so-so about? You don’t have to settle. There are SO MANY men out there who would love to spend time with you. All the power is in your hands. You have the pick of the lot. I realize that this makes a lot of guys angry, and maybe it is unfair. But it’s the reality of the situation, so let’s just acknowledge it. As a woman, you could bang a new guy every single night if you really wanted to, the options are limitless. As we always say, dick is in abundance. It’s not difficult for women to find a guy who’s interested, especially when it comes to casual sex.

Women settle SO MUCH. They settle for guys they’re just not that excited about because… I don’t know, we’re used to disappointment maybe and it’s just the norm? I don’t know if this is the space to analyze that much bigger issue, perhaps another blog post. The point is, well, it’s pointless. It’s going to be disappointing, so why waste your time?

Don’t even consider someone who doesn’t inspire a FUCK YES from you. Chances are the sex is gonna suck anyway, let’s be real.

You Should Be A Fuck Yes For Him

Why bother pursuing someone who is so-so about you? Again, you have all the options. No matter how they may represent themselves, no matter how hot they are, or how confident they come off, I’ll tell you right now, guys have to work HARD to get women, especially for casual sex. They may want to make you feel like you’re lucky that they picked you, but trust me – you’re not. Some guys are smart – they know about the inequity when it comes to options for men and women when dating. So they realize that they have to make you think you have the disadvantage. An easy way to do this is to play on someone’s feelings of self-esteem – make you think they’re not that into you, so that you want them more, you want to win them over. There are guys that know this, and use it. Don’t let them use it on you.

And honestly, if a guy is leading you on into the grey area because he thinks he’s got a better option somewhere else, go ahead and let him take that option. Because you’re not an option, you’re an opportunity. Don’t be someone’s second choice, even when it comes to casual sex. And again, if a guy isn’t super pumped for the opportunity to meet with you and possibly see you naked, how good do you think that sex is going to be anyway?

Rule #2

I was wondering about adding this to the rules, and maybe it is a good idea, because it’s definitely something we should always keep in mind. But it also relates to Rule #2:

The VERY SECOND they do something stupid or make you feel shitty in any way, you cut them off.

The whole point of this is to have fun. Not lay awake in bed at night anxiously wondering if he’s going to text you tomorrow. The whole point of the rules is to ENSURE that he does text you tomorrow, but you never know what’s going on with someone, or what their motivations are, and you definitely will find yourself in a situation where a guy is not responding the way you’d hoped. You’re 100% going to be wishing a guy you’re FUCK YES about felt the same way, and when he doesn’t, you’re going to feel shitty about it.

Rule #2 is simple – just don’t waste your time on it, it’s not worth it. Don’t sit around hoping for it to be better, or hoping to win him over, because like Mark says, if you’re in the grey area, you’ve already lost.

Just Move On

It’s easier said than done, I totally get that. I’ve been completely honest, I’ve done wayyyyy too much of this, and I’ve made a billion justifications for why this time it’s okay to wait around and see how it plays out. But the next time you’re confused about whether or not someone’s into you just realize that the moment you have that thought, you already have your answer.

Simply put, find someone who is a FUCK YES for you, and someone who thinks you’re a FUCK YES too. It’ll be very, very obvious, as long as you’re honest with yourself about the situation. Everyone else is a waste of your time.

-A

Lab Experiment – Can You Unring The Bell?

In the spirit of not wanting to blindly assert something without having testing it, I am going to attempt to unring a bell. By that, I am referring to the rule that says once you have fucked up on not following the rules you need to bail because it is now ruined.

Background: I matched with STV-002 initially about three months ago. We chatted for a bit and then he disappeared. I don’t know when – I didn’t notice until I saw him pop back up in my dating queue and I swiped on him again. It turned out he had “gone off the grid” for a bit to recharge but was back.

STV-002 is a big lovebomber. He is unrelentingly complimentary, positive, friendly. He finds things I like and then sends them to me, like pictures and songs. We share a lot of interests. He is encouraging and seems to have his shit kind of together.

My mistakes: I have been too readily available. I have responded to messages during the day, in the morning, and late at night. We’ve spoken on the phone, which in itself isn’t a bad idea, but it was definitely plucking some emotional strings. I have also sexted him (though not to completion if that makes a difference) and have sent him suggestive pictures of me. We have continued to chat even though he has only suggested we meet – as though it was on me to ask him out. He now mostly sends sexual texts and pictures with the slightest provocation, and has admitted that his fantasy about me is that I just show up to his house and fuck him without saying anything.

Or getting paid, apparently. Not great. He is essentially suggesting that I am worth less than a prostitute.

Anyway.

My hypothesis: are there a set of rules you can follow to bring a derailed interaction back on course?

Trial 001: not responding to texts of a sexual nature, not being so available. Will this subtly demonstrate my boundaries and the direction I now wish to take this?

Update: Much to my chagrin, this seemed almost TOO easy to correct. I started aggressively asserting the rules – no texting during the day, I did not engage with sexual innuendo or suggestion, I wasn’t always around. Within a day, STV-002 had returned to sending me pictures of things he knew I found interesting, and was asking about my day and not telling me unprompted how nude he was at any given point.

Two or three days later, he asked me out and gave me the option of coffee, dinner, or drinks. I chose drinks because fuck a coffee date, and dinner is too much of a commitment if you just want to have sex (though there are differing opinions on this and I welcome discourse if you have any). He asked me out on a Wednesday for any day I wanted and I chose Friday. The thought crossed my mind that once a date was made he’d go back into sex mode, but he remained friendly and casual.

We met, got a bit (a lot) drunk, made out in the park we were walking through and I decided I did want to bang him, so we went back to his place. It was a pretty fun night. He made sure I came twice before he did, and I made sure to get up, pee, and get out after things were over. He sent me a polite thank you message saying he had a good time, I said the same back.

So asserting the rules worked? I got what I wanted, but the ease of this makes me suspicious. Have I never tried to reassert normalcy in a situation when things have crossed boundaries? Have I just gone along with it because that’s all I knew?

And before you say “oh wow, you got a random dude to bang you once soooo cooool, do tell me your secret”, the outcome of this experiment wasn’t just that I get laid – it was that I made the other person regard me as a human PRIOR to that moment, that they stopped seeing me as a fantasy hole they’d constructed and paid attention to the real person I am.

Outcome: a possible rule amendment – if you fuck up, you can try going by the rules to see if it can be corrected. More testing required.

Thoughts?

-C

THE RULES

After much discussion, here are the rules we’ve come up with! Note that at this point, we’ve yet to try them out so this is all theoretical, but this is our starting point. Also important to note that we are two straight women, dating men, so any assumptions made or strategies employed are based on that sort of scenario only:

THE CASUAL SEX RULES v.1.0

  1. Talk to 2 guys minimum, 4 maximum at a time
    1. If they aren’t working out, cut them off, and bring another one into the rotation. 
  2. The VERY SECOND they do something stupid or make you feel shitty in any way, you cut them off.
    1. NO SECOND GUESSING YOURSELF
    2. TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS
  3. Meet as soon as possible.  Within the week is best, maximum within two weeks.  If it doesn’t happen by then, it’s not going to.
    1. It’s ok to ask them out, you don’t have to wait for them to do it.
  4. No nudes, no sexting.  This creates only two possible scenarios:
    1. They think sex is then guaranteed or;
    2. They lose interest
  5. No chatting/texting all day
    1. Time gate – wait 2-4 hours before responding, and do this from day one
    2. No texting during business hours
    3. No good morning, good night texts 
    4. Do not make yourself available to them whenever they want
  6. Go into every date expecting a one time thing only. 
    1. If you get a good vibe and like them, have sex if you want to
      1. No sleepovers
      2. No post-sex snuggling.  Get up, get out.
    2. Don’t ask for a second hangout
    3. Consider it over with and move on
    4. Can send a thanks for a good time text, but that’s IT
  7. If you feel that you’re getting emotionally attached/things are getting too intimate, get some distance:
    1. Don’t text for a day or two
    2. Talk to someone new
  8. If you fuck up, and you will a few times, you need to bail.  No amount of distance will fix it.
  9. Be honest with yourself. 
  10. If, for any reason, you cannot follow the rules above you are NOT to engage.
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